The Weight Is A Gift

Well, here I am, back home and looking back at what now feels like an elaborate dream of some sort. Its feels like each day I was on my trip felt so long and full and wonderful and complete but in retrospect I feel as though the whole experience was nothing but a book I read or a collection of memories to wonderful to be my own. Surely I just imagined the whole thing in my mind. Then I look back over the hundreds of photos I took along the way to mark the journey, to offer some sort of proof that it really happened and the feelings come dripping back into my mind as though making a pot of drip coffee. The ground up beans are the photos, and I am the water, as the water pours over the beans it slowly becomes whole. Ha... maybe I'm just thinking of this silly analogy because I am sitting in a coffee shop. Who knows.

Here is a random bit from my journal about one of the last mornings I had out in the desert of the western US...

"...chasing the sun rising this morning i could not help but be reminded of sun set with its layers of light taking over the earth in front of me. i felt as though i was driving time backwards like my car and myself were sitting still in the universe yet the earth spun backwards around me like i was winding it up for night to arrive all over again through another beautiful sunset but then the sun was not fading into night, it was welcoming me to a new day..."

So with that new day I found myself driving back east. A long long drive turns out. I ended up driving nearly 24 hours straight only stopping for about an hour of that time for gas and food. It was such a long blur of a drive, I drifted through states as though I was simply skipping through the country. Im not sure why but I just kept driving and driving until I found myself in Memphis in front of my brothers apartment. I remember how disorienting it was to watch the sun rising again after driving through the night. I looked up into the sky and noticed birds migrating, hundreds of them almost filling the morning sky with V shaped patterns of birds soaring through the sky like a huge magic carpet. I couldnt help but feel a connection to their travels and I think that was the point in which I realized that I had to keep traveling. I knew that this was just the beginning. Then at that moment I felt resolved to get back home and start working towards my next adventure right away.

This lead my mind to think of being home and all of the work I needed to catch up on and how many projects I want to get going and I felt both excited for the future and a little nervous and I felt my life at home weighing down onto my shoulders and I felt the weight of my life coming back to me. I figure the Nada Surf song, Do it Again held some interesting advice for this feeling in the verse, "Maybe this weight is a gift.."

So at any rate, I'm back home in one piece and I am getting my thoughts together for the next few months of my life. I have a number of web projects to work on, audio production work to get back into, music to be written and played with matt and A Drop In Silence (my 'band'), stories to read, things to clean, insurance claims to be filed (from the robbery), prints to finally mail (from my christmas contest), photos to go through, a life to get back in the swing of living, and countless other odds and ends of things to jump into the middle of.

As for this site, I will get back to my regular postings and desktop additions, after all of these stories and things I am thinking I may continue to write about life and living from time to time because it has been nice writing like this. I will also be getting my new site rolling in a month or so when I get all of the details worked out. It is going to be great and I cant wait to tell you all of the details so stay tuned for more...

Songs of the moment: "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin" by Collin Hay and

"Woolly Mammoth's Mighty Absence" by The Microphones... below are the words to this song...

Quickly forgetting was the way I lived my life.
Try telling me your name or try telling me "don't worry".
Everything I knew would quickly wither and die
All echoes would be buried in the sound of living,
The sound of feet slapping sidewalk
That was me - treasure hunting, I would bury what I found
That was me - the gold digger, underground
Quickly forgotten was this forgetful way of life
When I left home, when I lived as if I'd died.
Sitting on a rock and doing nothing, alone for so long
In the dark I found my sight
There you name was, written large in letters bright!
And there my faith was!
"Worry not" declared the night.
In the great void of my life, I could feel the shape of what was missing
Like the way the Woolly Mammoth stands so tall and bold in our minds
I was shaking at the size of my cry
And the true love it described.
I know a new day is dawning now and so ends my holy night.
It's back to the world I go, back to little girls and shows,
and their worldly woes, all unfurling clothes.
Will I carry myself slowly enough to remember?
I sit on a dark rock doing nothing, still just crowded in.
There's the love in flesh and bones.